A Question To Ponder

[dudelovenext]

I've been kind of thinking about the role of being a "protector". This is regardless of being a friend, significant other, family member, whatever.

I think a lot of times when we see something that we perceive (but may or may not be) to be a threat, a threat that is targeting a loved one, one has the instinct to jump in and challenge that threat.

How often, though, is that help needed or wanted? At what point does one go from being a "protector" to just "over-protective"?

I like to think that with most of my friends that I generally don't need to jump in. But if I do, then I like to believe I'm pretty good at reading a situation and that I'll jump in only if it's something I feel needs immediate attention (such as someone getting the crap beat out of them) or that help is wanted (such as being asked by the person facing the threat).

I guess I have concerns about over-protectiveness. Back in the day, yeah, I probably wasn't the most secure and felt I need to "protect" Mika all the time. I'd probably keep Mika away from people (friends or not) that I felt might've threatened (in my eyes, at least) our relationship. That was pretty wrong of me since she wasn't an object, and that was basically how I treated her in those situations.

Nowadays I'm a lot more secure with myself and my relationship with Whitney. I might step in, but only if something from paragraph four existed.

No, this has nothing to do with my current situation (as in, this isn't aimed at anyone in a situation directly related to me). It's just some thoughts I've been having and felt like getting it written down. Looking at this, the logic of all this might seem obvious, but that doesn't always seem to be the case.

Thoughts? Where do you think the line for being protective is? Have people been angry and/or grateful for your protectiveness?

Comments

[psych-girl-101.livejournal.com]

I hear ya! That is always my first instinct to jump in or speak up etc. I guess its just in my nature or something :|

[quetz.livejournal.com]

Thoughts? Too many to list here. There's a reason she pokes me and calls me "Paladin!" More later.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

I'll have to inquire about that. :)

Hmmm

[hentainobaka.livejournal.com]

Good topic. I think this is my opinion.

Protect when you feel the instinct to. If you are being over protective, then the person will tell you. I wouldn't worry about them being mad. Being protective is a sign you care. If you are doing it too much, you can back down. Being protective is a better message to send someone then non-protective. If you hold back, you could be perceived as not caring. I always err on the side of too much protection rather then not enough. ;)

My two dirty pennies on that. :)

Re: Hmmm

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

Hm, I guess if it's an "over-protectiveness" that happens over and over, even after the person you are protecting says "stop"...hm, yeah, a problem.

[inkandalchemy.livejournal.com]

The short answer is that there's an extremely good reason I have the Latin word for "protection" tattooed on my arm.

The line between protector and overprotective is terribly thin and lies at a different point for every person. Speaking for myself, I'm an extremely shy and non-confrontational person; however I've also got a definite "protector complex." There used to be times when I would manipulate people into giving me an excuse to lash out, because there was something about them that I perceived as threatening to someone I loved, and it got me into massive amounts of trouble before I figured out where that wasn't appropriate.

It's taken a lot of years to learn to gauge where the line is and how not to step over it; in my experience the line usually lies at the point at which the other person would start perceiving your protective behavior as a threat in and of itself (whether to their person, their social life, your relationship, whatever.)

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is a pretty thin line. A lot of it is the perspective the person who's being protected.

I figure it'd just be something where the person finds the protectiveness annoying and uncalled for.

[inkandalchemy.livejournal.com]

Well, there's that, but there are also times when the other person is going to find it annoying and uncalled for because they're not seeing a threat that really is there - so you may not be just being overprotective but it may still come off that way.

[luness.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what you mean, but I'll toss in my opinion of protectiveness.

I love a guy who is protective of me, but not to the point of being controlling or confrontational with other people. In fact, I expect the guy I'm with to stand up for me as much as I'd stand up for him. Being the eldest child in my family, by nature I'm a very protective person when it comes to my friends and those I love; however, I'm very diplomatic about how I go about being protective. I think that's important. There's a right way to be protective, and so many wrong ways.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

Hm, yes, being diplomatic is a key factor. But isn't being protective by nature being confrontational?

[luness.livejournal.com]

Not necessarily. Being confrontational tends to err on the side of accusatory actions, which result in the other party jumping on the defensive. There is a way to be protective and play the understanding mediator, rather than being confrontational. Confrontation cannot be avoided in some situations, but it is always better to take a more patient and understanding stance than a rash and biased one.

[fearless-son.livejournal.com]

You know, I am really trying to think of something, but I just cannot come up with anything thoughtful to add that has not already been said. Assuming that you hold to the logic that you just mentioned though, this does give me a few new factors to be taken into consideration. Thank you.

[childofthecedar.livejournal.com]

I find that even when I want to jump in and affect things that the individual I care about is better off without my help, being in confrontational situations demands that we check our ethics and define what injures us and what does not. It also is an exelent situation to solve problems. I always remember when my sister and I used to get mad at our mom when we were teens.

"Stay out of this mum! We're old enough to solve this ourselves, you'll make it worse!"

And the third person does tend to make it worse.

However, if someone was pysicaly threatening someone I cared about and I did not feel like they had good odds, you can bet your ass I would step in, and that the threatening person would not stand for long.

[dudelovenext.livejournal.com]

*nods* I know from time to time, some people jump in more for themselve than the person they are defending. Not always, but sometimes.

Heh, I agree with your fourth paragraph there. :)